Online Journal for A&E Member Anne Bardsley
Spam On Steroids
My doctor prescribed bed rest for bronchitis. I do not do bed rest. Who can stay in bed all day without a man? Fortunately, Hallmark Channel was showing Christmas in July movies. After watching every movie twice, making my Christmas list (that I will never find in December) and drinking hot tea until I developed an English accent, I was officially bored. I decided to do some much needed housekeeping on my cell phone. And that’s when the fun began!
My Spam file was screaming. I usually just scan one or two pages daily and then hit “trash”. But today, I was intrigued. I had the time to go through all eighty-five pages. Who knew all of this knowledge was right here at my fingertips?
*SPAM! A king wants my bank account number to send me money. *SPAM! I can lose forty five pounds in two weeks…two weeks! Magic! *SPAM! For only $29.95 I can buy a book titled, “Penis Tricks.” It’s guaranteed. *SPAM! My Spam must know me personally. There are four hundred and twenty weight loss offers. “Just take a pill and eat all I want,” is my favorite.
*SPAM! The Mentor Channel wants to know if I am I ready to change the world. I am so weak I can barely change the channel right now, but I save it for future.
*SPAM! I can get rid of cellulite and wrinkles in 3 days for only $69.95. *SPAM! Oh! Here comes the king again. Now he wants me to meet him at a castle he is going to buy for me. He must really like my Facebook pictures.
I knew I should rest but with all of this excitement, I was energized. Who knew I was missing all of this information?
*SPAM! The Penis Trainer is now offering me a discount. What a great deal! For only $18.95 they’ll throw in a free barbell set. If only I had a penis!!
*SPAM! Zillow is sending me pictures of mansions. I bet the king is relocating to be closer to me in St Petersburg. He must have hired a realtor.
*SPAM! Newsflash: If I eat a certain white bean, I can drop forty pounds, just like Oprah did. It is “gas free”. This is the first thing in my Spam that I really doubt.
*SPAM! Oh no! Someone wants me to appear in court! What have I done? I don’t know but it’s on every page. It must be serious. If I send $250 they won’t prosecute me.
I knew I needed to rest, but with all these things swirling in my brain, I couldn’t get settled. *SPAM! kept waking me up.
*SPAM! My charming king is now offering a cruise to Tahiti, but he needs my bank account number. He also doesn’t want his other six wives to know about me. We’ll have a huge balcony in the penthouse.
*SPAM! Am I ready for bathing suit season? Well I better read this one if I’m going on the cruise with the king. His wives are all covered up in long sheaths and I don’t want to shock him with my alabaster white, chubby legs. I save this one.
My husband arrived home to check on me. He brought me chicken soup in bed with fresh tea. What a nice husband I have! When he asked if I got any sleep, I told him about my exciting morning:
The king thinks I’m the love of his life (I exaggerated to make him jealous). I can lose forty pounds fast and buy “Penis Tricks” with barbell free offer. I need $250 for bail money, there’s house on Zillow the king is buying for me. There’s white gas-free beans, the king and I going on a cruise. And finally, I need a sexy bathing suit that will distract from my alabaster, chubby legs.
He looked at me like I was on drugs. Truthfully, I was on drugs. The doc gave me three scripts. “Anne, let me take your temperature. I think it’s got to be 106. You are delirious!” he said calmly as he took my phone away. “Wait, do you think we could train your penis to do tricks? You like to lift weights. It’s only $18.95.” *SPAM! *SPAM! *SPAM! *SPAM! It sounded in his hands. I tried to grab it from him, but he ran out of the room.
I had no options but to take a long nap. I guess the king will have to find another woman to cruise with. And seriously, do I really think he’ll bring me chicken soup and tea when I’m sick? No…Who needs a king when I already have my prince?
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